Monday, November 30, 2009

Feeling

Today, I had one of those days were it went so slow all I wanted to do is curl up in bed. But one thing that kept coming into my head was my mom. She is the alcoholic in my family. I just kept thinking about the past, it was on repeat. I sat there thinking about her, and what she did during my child hood. I felt this wave of emotion hit me, I am still torn from what she has done; I am still hurting. I am under so much stress just from her, it is emotional draining. I worry, and think about her almost everyday, and there are days I don't think about her at all. I just don't understand how a mother can abandon her kids, for a bottle of vodka, how I pour my heart & tears to her, and she looks at me with a blank stare like she doesn't know what I am talking about. Like I am the crazy one who is loosing my mind. Alcoholics will lie to you, and They lie to them self. They think they are just hurting themselves when in reality they are hurting everyone around them. Don't let them ruin your life, I mean I am doing the best I ever have, but everyday it still bothers me and eats me inside. I don't want you to go through the pain I go through, I have a wonderful boyfriend who takes that horrible pain away and makes me feel wanted for once. But still, when my mind starts going it doesn't stop.

2 comments:

  1. Stephanie, your blog is awesome. When a parent loses a child at a young age or anytime their life will never be the same because a piece of themselves dies with the child. But she had a choice to go down the path she took or to cherish every day she had with you and give you all her love and keep living. My heart goes out to you. Hopefully when the time is right and you're ready, you will get your childhood back when you get married and have your own child. You cannot relive your childhood but you will find much joy and fulfillment knowing that you are providing your child with something that you never had, Love and Happiness. I wish you all the best and truly hope you have all your adult years filled with the Love and Happiness you so deserve, Steve

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  2. "I just don't understand how a mother can abandon her kids, for a bottle of vodka, how I pour my heart & tears to her, and she looks at me with a blank stare like she doesn't know what I am talking about. Like I am the crazy one who is loosing my mind."

    this is exactly what mine does.
    i've spent so long trying to figure out what is going through her head, if there is anything at all.

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