Saturday, December 12, 2009


Thursday, December 10, 2009

Let it out!!

Lets breath in, and look around. Where are you? Are you somewhere you want to be? Or are you suck somewhere that feels like hell? Lets all be honest we have been to that place before were we didnt like were the hell we were at. Now think what got you here? Was it you & you choices, or was it cause of an addiction that took your family over? Are you hurting inside out? Are your eyes hurting from crying? Do you start to shake when someone raises a hand at you? Or do you yell & fight back? Do you feel weak? Now are you sad? or are you angry? NOW JUST LET IT OUT!, Cause if you dont let it out, it will just eat you inside and you will start to destroy your self inside out. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!. When I am upset, and I stop to think of all of these things, I just put my head phones on and start to write. Sometimes I cry, or I go for a run. But whatever is your coping skill you need to do it, cause if you don't it will be bad.

Sunday, December 6, 2009


Good morning,
I woke up this morning, & the first word that popped in my head was NUMB. I am very use to that word, I use to feel NUMB, all the time. Have you ever looked in the mirror and saw someone you didn't know? & you didn't feel anything anymore, everything in your body goes numb.
(like your foot falling asleep) Its that tingling feeling. That numb feeling became apart of me, it never went away, it was there when I woke up, it was there when I fell asleep. It took almost a year to get that numb feeling to go away, and some days it comes back to visit. Have you ever felt it? I block out memories of my childhood, and think about the good ones, but every time there was a good memory, it was followed by a bad one right behind it. I was the walking dead, just all to my self, nothing to say to anyone, that's totally the opposite of who I am, I am very happy, energetic, and so loving to everyone. I ended up just isolating, not having friends, and just being alone. I was alone one of my biggest fears, of being alone. I mean yeah I had my mother who never left the couch watching T.V. & drinking but that wasnt someone I wanted to be around. I couldnt get away from her everywhere I would turn I would see her. I mean she is still with me everywhere I go now, I think about her when I am at school, or out shopping, or simply watching tv, and I get that numb feeling again it comes back, like o remember how you felt when your mom did this, or this. I hate it. Its one of those things, you try to let go, let go of your past but it still comes back. I wish I can block it all out, and start over. I would love that but no, it doesnt happen like that.

I shared alittle about my numbing feeling, its horrible, and if you start to get this too, please talk to someone you can trust, no one came to me and I felt so alone i wanted someone to reach out and get me away from the pain. But no one cam until a year later. Almost too late. So please get help, this is most likely depression, You shouldn't be alone. No one ever deserves to be alone. People who want help are not alone, people who refuse help are not alone they have there addiction to go back too. Everyone has someone, or something. Just remember you deserve the someone not the something.


-- My bestfriend "Hobbes" a golden retriever, helped me through my dark times. I miss her!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

How do cope?

God coping is the most hardest thing I have ever learned. Addicts put you under so much stress, that it takes over your body, making every day things harder to do. I had the worst coping mechanisms, I will admit, I use to damage my own body, but thats all I knew. I was bulimic/ over exercised. My mom watched me destroy my self, and never spoke a word. I mean IF YOUR OWN MOM DOESNT CARE, Why should u? Thats what kept going through my head, I was never good enough for her to care about me. She never wanted me in the first place, she just had me because my sister wanted a little sister. So my coping mechanism was to work out until you feel no pain. My horrible days pretty much when like this.
Wake up
Drink coffee & cereal maybe if we had some
computer for a couple of hours
Work out around 2 in the hot summer degrees of 90+
come back shower
then work out again around 11 pm to 2 am.

& I would drink coffee through out the day, nothing else. I lost so much weight, and my mom saw me doing this and never stepped in. I mean I would binge and purge. The only words she said to me was
" How much you purge today?"
me - "Ehh 5 times maybe 6"
Her - " O thats not that bad"

WTF?? I mean uhmm I dont think a teenage girl should be doing it at all. I mean I admit I had a problem I wanted help but she wouldnt help me, I was taking prozac to help me cope, she took off my meds cause she felt like it.

Alcoholic's will do whatever they want, they will watch you fall and not help you up. At least my mom did. If you were my mom would have you stepped in? Or let me continue until I ended up killing my self?

So the question is how do you cope? How do you cope of living with them, and living with there disease.

I wish I had a MAGICAL Answer But I dont. Because it all depends on the person. But here are somethings that can help you that helps me alot.

1. Music, get that music in your ears and BE FREE
2. Work out (but not to the extent i use to)
3. Read
4. Write about your experiences
5. Talk to someone
6. Go out and Have a sleep over just get away from the stressful house you live in
7. Get a pet they are so helpful, I love my cats to death.
8. Browse the web
9. Meet new people.
10. Live your life, not theirs, they are the ones who want to live that life style, not you!!

My favorite coping skill is putting the music on as loud as it can get, and writing. As we speak this is what I am doing!!!


This is me the summer I was sick.

Be strong, don't let their disease take over you too.