Sunday, December 6, 2009


Good morning,
I woke up this morning, & the first word that popped in my head was NUMB. I am very use to that word, I use to feel NUMB, all the time. Have you ever looked in the mirror and saw someone you didn't know? & you didn't feel anything anymore, everything in your body goes numb.
(like your foot falling asleep) Its that tingling feeling. That numb feeling became apart of me, it never went away, it was there when I woke up, it was there when I fell asleep. It took almost a year to get that numb feeling to go away, and some days it comes back to visit. Have you ever felt it? I block out memories of my childhood, and think about the good ones, but every time there was a good memory, it was followed by a bad one right behind it. I was the walking dead, just all to my self, nothing to say to anyone, that's totally the opposite of who I am, I am very happy, energetic, and so loving to everyone. I ended up just isolating, not having friends, and just being alone. I was alone one of my biggest fears, of being alone. I mean yeah I had my mother who never left the couch watching T.V. & drinking but that wasnt someone I wanted to be around. I couldnt get away from her everywhere I would turn I would see her. I mean she is still with me everywhere I go now, I think about her when I am at school, or out shopping, or simply watching tv, and I get that numb feeling again it comes back, like o remember how you felt when your mom did this, or this. I hate it. Its one of those things, you try to let go, let go of your past but it still comes back. I wish I can block it all out, and start over. I would love that but no, it doesnt happen like that.

I shared alittle about my numbing feeling, its horrible, and if you start to get this too, please talk to someone you can trust, no one came to me and I felt so alone i wanted someone to reach out and get me away from the pain. But no one cam until a year later. Almost too late. So please get help, this is most likely depression, You shouldn't be alone. No one ever deserves to be alone. People who want help are not alone, people who refuse help are not alone they have there addiction to go back too. Everyone has someone, or something. Just remember you deserve the someone not the something.


-- My bestfriend "Hobbes" a golden retriever, helped me through my dark times. I miss her!!