Thursday, July 22, 2010

Discouraged. But I am back

Hey Everyone,
Wow I haven't been on here since December, that's crazy!
I have tons to talk about, so much great information to share.
As I left off, I made youtube videos for a little, and my last post was about asking your self questions.

I find my self asking my self questions all the time, and most of the time I can never come up with an answer.

When you have an addict or an alcoholic in your family you have to deal with alot. But you have a couple choices you ether can Forgive & Help; Or Leave & Forget.
Which one is right? If you keep forgiving and keep trying to help most likely you will be let down, and your efforts don't matter to the person that you are helping.
But if you leave & forget, are you moving on and bettering yourself? I find my self in a dilemma, I want to help and forgive, but the memories are too powerful and takes over my faith for the person. She is like an addiction, she always knows how to bring me back. If I don't talk to her I am okay, I am free, I am me. But when I talk to her I fall back into her traps, and I start to feel bad for her when I look into her Hazel eyes. But why? She is the one who did it to her self and didn't care for her children like any mother should.

Have you ever been in this situation?

Ha if you haven't, You lucky cause it sucks.

I keep telling my self to keep going with my life, and move on. But Its kind hard when you are fighting yourself, to love your mom or just to let go.

Saturday, December 12, 2009


Thursday, December 10, 2009

Let it out!!

Lets breath in, and look around. Where are you? Are you somewhere you want to be? Or are you suck somewhere that feels like hell? Lets all be honest we have been to that place before were we didnt like were the hell we were at. Now think what got you here? Was it you & you choices, or was it cause of an addiction that took your family over? Are you hurting inside out? Are your eyes hurting from crying? Do you start to shake when someone raises a hand at you? Or do you yell & fight back? Do you feel weak? Now are you sad? or are you angry? NOW JUST LET IT OUT!, Cause if you dont let it out, it will just eat you inside and you will start to destroy your self inside out. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!. When I am upset, and I stop to think of all of these things, I just put my head phones on and start to write. Sometimes I cry, or I go for a run. But whatever is your coping skill you need to do it, cause if you don't it will be bad.

Sunday, December 6, 2009


Good morning,
I woke up this morning, & the first word that popped in my head was NUMB. I am very use to that word, I use to feel NUMB, all the time. Have you ever looked in the mirror and saw someone you didn't know? & you didn't feel anything anymore, everything in your body goes numb.
(like your foot falling asleep) Its that tingling feeling. That numb feeling became apart of me, it never went away, it was there when I woke up, it was there when I fell asleep. It took almost a year to get that numb feeling to go away, and some days it comes back to visit. Have you ever felt it? I block out memories of my childhood, and think about the good ones, but every time there was a good memory, it was followed by a bad one right behind it. I was the walking dead, just all to my self, nothing to say to anyone, that's totally the opposite of who I am, I am very happy, energetic, and so loving to everyone. I ended up just isolating, not having friends, and just being alone. I was alone one of my biggest fears, of being alone. I mean yeah I had my mother who never left the couch watching T.V. & drinking but that wasnt someone I wanted to be around. I couldnt get away from her everywhere I would turn I would see her. I mean she is still with me everywhere I go now, I think about her when I am at school, or out shopping, or simply watching tv, and I get that numb feeling again it comes back, like o remember how you felt when your mom did this, or this. I hate it. Its one of those things, you try to let go, let go of your past but it still comes back. I wish I can block it all out, and start over. I would love that but no, it doesnt happen like that.

I shared alittle about my numbing feeling, its horrible, and if you start to get this too, please talk to someone you can trust, no one came to me and I felt so alone i wanted someone to reach out and get me away from the pain. But no one cam until a year later. Almost too late. So please get help, this is most likely depression, You shouldn't be alone. No one ever deserves to be alone. People who want help are not alone, people who refuse help are not alone they have there addiction to go back too. Everyone has someone, or something. Just remember you deserve the someone not the something.


-- My bestfriend "Hobbes" a golden retriever, helped me through my dark times. I miss her!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

How do cope?

God coping is the most hardest thing I have ever learned. Addicts put you under so much stress, that it takes over your body, making every day things harder to do. I had the worst coping mechanisms, I will admit, I use to damage my own body, but thats all I knew. I was bulimic/ over exercised. My mom watched me destroy my self, and never spoke a word. I mean IF YOUR OWN MOM DOESNT CARE, Why should u? Thats what kept going through my head, I was never good enough for her to care about me. She never wanted me in the first place, she just had me because my sister wanted a little sister. So my coping mechanism was to work out until you feel no pain. My horrible days pretty much when like this.
Wake up
Drink coffee & cereal maybe if we had some
computer for a couple of hours
Work out around 2 in the hot summer degrees of 90+
come back shower
then work out again around 11 pm to 2 am.

& I would drink coffee through out the day, nothing else. I lost so much weight, and my mom saw me doing this and never stepped in. I mean I would binge and purge. The only words she said to me was
" How much you purge today?"
me - "Ehh 5 times maybe 6"
Her - " O thats not that bad"

WTF?? I mean uhmm I dont think a teenage girl should be doing it at all. I mean I admit I had a problem I wanted help but she wouldnt help me, I was taking prozac to help me cope, she took off my meds cause she felt like it.

Alcoholic's will do whatever they want, they will watch you fall and not help you up. At least my mom did. If you were my mom would have you stepped in? Or let me continue until I ended up killing my self?

So the question is how do you cope? How do you cope of living with them, and living with there disease.

I wish I had a MAGICAL Answer But I dont. Because it all depends on the person. But here are somethings that can help you that helps me alot.

1. Music, get that music in your ears and BE FREE
2. Work out (but not to the extent i use to)
3. Read
4. Write about your experiences
5. Talk to someone
6. Go out and Have a sleep over just get away from the stressful house you live in
7. Get a pet they are so helpful, I love my cats to death.
8. Browse the web
9. Meet new people.
10. Live your life, not theirs, they are the ones who want to live that life style, not you!!

My favorite coping skill is putting the music on as loud as it can get, and writing. As we speak this is what I am doing!!!


This is me the summer I was sick.

Be strong, don't let their disease take over you too.

Monday, November 30, 2009


Today, I had one of those days were it went so slow all I wanted to do is curl up in bed. But one thing that kept coming into my head was my mom. She is the alcoholic in my family. I just kept thinking about the past, it was on repeat. I sat there thinking about her, and what she did during my child hood. I felt this wave of emotion hit me, I am still torn from what she has done; I am still hurting. I am under so much stress just from her, it is emotional draining. I worry, and think about her almost everyday, and there are days I don't think about her at all. I just don't understand how a mother can abandon her kids, for a bottle of vodka, how I pour my heart & tears to her, and she looks at me with a blank stare like she doesn't know what I am talking about. Like I am the crazy one who is loosing my mind. Alcoholics will lie to you, and They lie to them self. They think they are just hurting themselves when in reality they are hurting everyone around them. Don't let them ruin your life, I mean I am doing the best I ever have, but everyday it still bothers me and eats me inside. I don't want you to go through the pain I go through, I have a wonderful boyfriend who takes that horrible pain away and makes me feel wanted for once. But still, when my mind starts going it doesn't stop.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

How to manage?!

How to manage your self living with an Addict. When I say addict I am talking from drugs users to alcoholics. Its very hard to manage your own life when living with an addict believe me I know!
But think to your self, should I stop living my life to watch them not listen and continue harming them self? The answer is no, don't let them ruin your life. I lost many years to an alcoholic mother and I tried to help her my whole life was revolved around her. & I put all that time and effort & still nothing changed.

So the question is how do you manage?

1. Don't let them bring you down! Addicts are known for bringing down others with them.

2. Focus on your future, and what you want to achieve in life. No one can stop you from what you really want.

3. Have you time. Go out and do what you want getting away from them is a great thing, they are toxic.

4. Think & tell your self you have done everything possible. Don't beat your self up from it.

5. Talk to friends or close relatives about what your concerns are, or just vent to them. We all need that.

6. Write down how you are feeling, its emotional and very draining. This is very helpful to release all that stress and be content for a little bit.

7. Whatever you do don't give in to them. That's just giving them way to much power.

8. Don't let them influence or control your life.

My years of growing up was the hardest, I never knew how to cope with living with an addict and it lead me down a dark road for a bit. But now I am out to share with others.

My sister died at the age of 7, when I was just a baby. After she passed on its been a down spiral since. I lost my caring loving mother, who took care of her family, to a bottle of vodka. My family & I have done everything we could to help her but she still never wanted to get better. Our happy days of being a family soon came to a end when Jade died. I cant say I knew my sister very much since I was a baby, But I can say not having in her in our lives lead our family down the path of destruction.